😱🙀😱 Fear

The stress so ever apparent in my life right now. It comes as an anxiety ridden, pain inducing, fear gripping, joy stealing tornado. 

So much crazy is going on, I feel compelled to just curl up in a ball and ignore the problem! But this time I won't. This time I'm going to face stress and call it what it is, distance from God. 

The beginnings of my week are always solid. I take the extra time with God, self care and give myself breathing room, by Friday I'm a disheveled mess with yesterday's makeup on and a disdain for leaving my messy apartment. 

I've seen this pain before. The stress is actually manifesting itself as pain! What am I doing wrong that I don't seem to get it right? Stress will always be there... How I deal and handle it is so crucial in my mental, spiritual and physical health. Ignoring it is not the solution. Procrastinating is not the solution. 

Whats triggering my stress these days?

  1. Work - in multiple areas
  2. Moving - less than 2 weeks
  3. General adulting things

They say to get rid of the things in life that cause the overwhelming stress. I don't want to quit my job. I actually like it. Moving is inevitable, but making sure I'm ready and not rushing, I totally have control over. The third is a plethora of things that are in my control that I just tend to ignore. 

There comes a time when we say enough is enough. I feel like I've been playing a game where I've been using the same strategy, getting the same results and coming out the loser. So, I have four options. Keep playing the game the same way and continue this nasty cycle of abuse. Quit the game entirely and become the "quitter" and just skate by (which is almost what's happening). I can try a different strategy, and hope for the best. Or choose to play a different game, one that I can master and perfect. I choose the 4th option. 

I liken it to Peter stepping out of the boat and walking on the water. When he had his eyes fixed on Jesus, he was good. It was smooth sailing. As soon as he took his eyes off and doubted what was happening he sank. I love this story because I see where Peter was coming from. But I realized unlike Peter I only pretend to get out of the boat. My life is more like a scene from Titanic. Chaotic, crazy, and just holding on to the boat for dear life. Pretending that I'll let go into the unknown. I've let fear dictate so much of my life, for so long. Even as a child I was uncharacteristicly frightened by everything. So, I'm done playing the game. 

This is the hard part. The scary messy part. The part that's ugly, raw, and terrifying. I actually have to get out of the boat. Jump out and KNOW that He's got me! 100%. I will still fail and have shortcomings as I am human. But, if my God is for us, who can be against us! I'll say that again, if my God is for me, who can be against me?

But the boat is comfortable, it knows me. It's been my friend these 29 years of life. But why is the familiar so painful? Why does it keep chewing me up and spitting me out?  

Even blogging I live in crippling fear. The fear is so irrational yet, I believe it whole-heartedly. The amount of drafts that never see the light of day are quite astonishing.  

My self care game is so weak. It's all recovery and not maintenance. Mentally, physically, and spritiually I'm not advancing but just coasting by in my little boat made of fears.

So, my eyes are fixed on Jesus, this is my declaration. I'm not climbing out of the boat but jumping full force into the unknown. One... Two... Three...