What a first week of the year! Of course it starts out great, guns a blazin'. "Hello, world, it's me, Lauren!" But expectations and reality barely ever meet, and if they do thy begin to blur lines and if you don't look in the details you'll miss what was real and imaginary.
By Wednesday night, I was already spent and tired. Woke up to the dog leaving surprises all around my room and realizing that work wasn't slowing down.
Instead of working overtime, I was busy cleaning up the "presents" Ellie left me. That left me defeated and tired. Friday morning was a drag and opening my laptop at work reminded me how defeated I felt.
My wifi connection was working intermittently and my "whatever-sickness-I-have" won and I was forced to go home to take some meds and recover.
God has really been working on my heart to pursue and cultivate relationships at church this year, so I reached out to a few people who I was sure He was telling me to reach out to. Guys, I hate doing this and rarely do because it takes me out of my comfort zone and a hurdle that seems to be a huge roadblock is rejection. But I pushed back and extended invites.
I didn't quite get rejected but more of I don't have time right now to spend with you.
There were definite tears yesterday (Friday). Tears of defeat, tears of tiredness, and tears of pure exhaustion. When it rains, I feel that it just continues to downpour with no relent. It's a tiny snowball that picks up momentum and snow as it rolls down the neverending hill.
I don't feel like I belong anywhere. And I feel like most conversations at least, seemed forced by others. I haven't found any consistency outside of God and it's hard as we are created to live in community. And as much as I want to give up, I can't. But, I just don't know what to do.
Is this how Jesus felt? The only constant in His life on earth was God. I should know this, feel this, but it's hard and most times I don't. I know reliving hurt from the past is healing, but this healing process has been long and lonely.
God, be my constant and guide. My confidant and best friend. My Light and compass. Be my everything.